Do I Have to Lose Me to Love You?

As codependents we lose ourselves in relationships, unaware that losing our Self is the greatest despair. When the relationship inevitably ends, it’s devastating because we are lost. We lack autonomy because that task wasn’t completed by adulthood. Often there are power struggles, characterized by repeated, unresolved arguments, either about a single recurring issue or numerous trivial things. Many of them boil down to the question of who has control, whose needs will be met, or how intimate they will be. Intimacy problems are a common symptom of codependency. Avoidance of intimacy, and the vulnerability that occurs when we open up, is a way to maintain control and autonomy. We fear that closeness makes us more dependent on our partner and exposed to being judged and hurt. These outcomes aren’t necessarily true, but hearken back to a traumatic or dysfunctional childhood when being vulnerable and dependent was unsafe. Some people feel unsafe both in and out of a relationship. The more we’re threatened by closeness and autonomy, the greater is the conflict in the relationship. How We Lose Ourselves We lose ourselves gradually in small imperceptible ways. It can start with romance, when it’s normal to want to please our loved one and spend much of our time together. However, emotionally mature adults don’t drop their activities, give up their lives (they have a life), or overlook improper behavior of their partner, despite strong physical attraction. The Stages...
Source: Psych Central - Category: Psychiatry Authors: Tags: Abuse Codependence Narcissism Personality Relationships & Love Self-Esteem Autonomy Boundaries Closeness Codependency Denial dependent personality Emotional Abuse Guilt Identity Independence Intimacy Manipulation Resent Source Type: news