Control: When Perfectionism Fails

“Turn on, turn off, turn on, turn off. Good, done, walk away from the faucet now.” Classic OCD symptoms. It’s 5 a.m. The house is quiet and it’s still dark outside. I’m half asleep but I have to do it. I have no choice. The voices in my head are real and I believe them. I hear my dog wake up; he’s hungry. I tell myself that he’ll be fine and I will feed him when I am done. Can’t you see I am on a mission here? I walk up the stairs, still wiping the sleep from my eyes, water bottle in one hand and headphones in the other. I walk into the room and spot the treadmill. The terrible, horrible, dreaded treadmill. Start. I convince myself that I love this. Finally, I establish a groove and I am on my way to five miles today. It’s already set it in my planner, so I have to do it. I’m about 45 minutes in and boom. The treadmill resets. Blank. Where’s my data? What mile was I on? How can I be sure I was 45 minutes in? I remember seeing the number 45, but of course I can’t be sure of that. Exhausted and anxious, I step back onto the treadmill and yes, I start the whole run over again. I am crying through the run, angry for my lack of trust in myself, and yet determined to do the run and see that beautiful number 5 next to the distance tracker. Done. Now walk away. There it is, July 3rd. With my planner open on today’s date, I confidently put a line through today’s workout. The voices in my head say, “Victory!” I can breathe...
Source: Psych Central - Category: Psychiatry Authors: Tags: Addictions Anorexia Bulimia Disorders Eating Disorders General Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Personal Stories Psychology Suicide Compulsions Exercise Hypergymnasia Obsessions Orthorexia recovery Self Control Source Type: news