Damn You NoCommonSense!
Two of the four times I’ve walked into a women’s restroom had something to do with NoCommonSense, this time while in Hawaii for his wedding. Damn you NoCommonSense for infecting me with your personality trait me for having always shared that personality trait with him.
I walked over to the buffet at the Waikiki Starlight Luau at the Hilton Hawaiian Village for a second helping, and saw that it was already closed. Blazed that my ability to carb-overload was stolen and not from the fire knife dancers, I detoured to the restroom. Down the long hall, I scanned the wall for the men’s restroom symbol at a two-sided entra...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 4, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: I'm an ass Source Type: blogs
Bennington Post
I attend November cancer conference → eat lunch with Canadian Drake → speak at the conference the next day → Canadian Drake likes my speech → I go home and do shit → eat turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, apple pie—basically a whole pie, not a slice → do more shit → Canadian Drake reaches out to me and says, I loved your speech! → I reach back and say, Thanks so much! → Canadian Drake tells me she’s writing two stories for The Huffington Post → I say, No way that’s awesome, how can I write for The Huffington Post!? → Canadian Drake gives me her point of contact at the Post, a nice fella I met at...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: writing/speaking Source Type: blogs
The Dance
“Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads–at least that’s where I imagine it–there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in a while, let fresh air in, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live for ever in your own private library.” – Kafka on the Shore
...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: a day in my life Source Type: blogs
Huffingstein Post
My publisher asks me to write a “Top 10 Cancer-Surviving Tips” article for Men’s Health Magazine in 2010 → I draft the article → send it to my publisher and literary agent, K → K says, “That is among the funniest things I have ever read. I was seriously laughing my a** off” → I am glowing because I love compliments from K → finalize my humor article → submit it to my publisher, who submits it to Men’s Health Magazine → No dice → I sit on the article → work on it again because I have a burning need to see all my projects to completion and hate sitting on things → resubmit the article to humor...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: writing/speaking Source Type: blogs
The Drawbacks of Voluntary Crutching, aka 'Quadstepping'
Last week my third Huffington Post blog published, titled, “The Joys of Voluntary Crutching, aka ‘Quadstepping,’” which you can read here. Many people would not have thought that I mostly view my foldable forearm crutches positively, or that the crutches would change my life.
However, there are times when my crutches are inconvenient…
At first I carried them in my backpack, but they consumed too much space, jabbed my cheek when I turned, and terrorized passersby. Feeling like Nicholas Cage carrying a bow around in The Weatherman, I would have accepted those inconveniences if not for my backpack requiring giant ...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: living habits Source Type: blogs
How to Complete Your NCAA March Madness Bracket Like a Boss
Get a computer with at least 6 GB RAM and Intel Core i5. You will need the power after you…
Open 12 tabs on Firefox or Chrome, but not Explorer. Also, I just realized you will need to…
Get a 27-inch widescreen monitor.
Open a tab with the latest Vegas odds of:
Winning the tournament.
Winning each region.
Winning the round of 64.
Open a tab with the trends of which teams people are picking to win the tournament.
Open tabs with team schedules, RPI, rankings and cheerleaders. F. mascots.
Open the bracket for each of your pools, in descending order of difficulty-to-win based on the number of people in the pool and t...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: sports Source Type: blogs
I Got Huffington Posted
My fourth Huffington Post story, “Why Women Rule the World,” published Tuesday evening on the website’s Women blog (as opposed to its Healthy Living/Generation Why blog where my previous three stories published). I’m excited to expand my writing topics to reach new readers.
Until Arianna Huffington gets sick of me, I’ll continue as a contributing blogger. Since I may not update this blog each time a new Huff Post story publishes, you can receive notifications other ways, including Twitter and Facebook. You can also subscribe to my Huffington Post feed here.
You can view my Huffington Post profile, which disp...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: girls Source Type: blogs
I Know Everything about Pope Francis
Weeks ago I visited PepperoniNip and La Mole in Florida for a brief vacation that included Baltimore Orioles spring training, fried gator tail and elderly people. My ageism diminished significantly after making friends with an 80-something at the ballpark. 89 is the new 75.
My return flight to Washington departed on-time at 4 p.m. A hailstorm in Atlanta, where my short layover would be, shut down Atlanta Airport and my plane diverted to tiny Savannah Airport. The captain kept us on the tarmac in hopes that we could be one of the first planes back out to Atlanta when the storm cleared.
Now infused with anti-ageism, I chat...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: travels Source Type: blogs
Ten Years Cancer-Free in Three Days
Sarah Palin has weighed in on my umbilical cord stem cell transplant, which I received on April 24, 2003, meaning this Wednesday my bone marrow turns 10. When my fellow UVA graduate, Katie Couric, asked Palin whether I should have accepted the stem cells, Palin said, “The only difference between humans and animals is the willingness to sacrifice oneself in the face of sin. Does that answer your question? Wahoowa, Couric.”
When Couric informed Palin that an umbilical cord transplant is different than stem cell research and does not involve fetuses, Palin said, “Like I’m going to fall for another one of your tricky ...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: politics Source Type: blogs
A Conversation With My Bone Marrow on Her 10th Birthday
"I suck at being an adult," I said to my bone marrow while we ate our breakfast today: oatmeal prepared on the stove top with ground cinnamon and sliced banana.
"Don't be so hard on yourself," my bone marrow replied. "You're a good host, except when you refuse to buy me push-up bras to impress the boy bone marrows."
Ten years ago today, on April 24, 2003, I received my umbilical cord stem cell transplant to treat myelodysplasia, my second cancer. My bone marrow donor was an anonymous girl, so my blood has two of the same sex chromosome, XX, instead of XY.
I have reared my bone marrow as my child, and my only complaint i...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: cancer-free anniversary imaginative Source Type: blogs
Top 10 Weight-Loss Mistakes
Since I reached 6 percent body fat last year, friends have asked for tips on how to lose weight. After I share the sacrifices and lifestyle changes necessary for the most efficient and maximal loss, they stop talking to me. To ensure I still have some friends left, instead of providing detailed tips here are my simplified weight-loss mistakes:
Telling others you're on a "diet." Losing fat and keeping it off requires me to remain on a permanent "diet," which I might as well define as "permanent judgment and loss of friends." I'm better off proclaiming I actually enjoy eating broccoli.
Saying you want to lose "weight" when ...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: super model Source Type: blogs
Dancing With Fear: A Day in My Life Without a Left Pelvic Bone
I walk like a penguin, I think, chuckling at my short stride. The pain in my hip is significant when I shift weight to my left leg. The pain ascends rapidly the further I step forward, so I shuffle. This sensation is not deep inside like the lightning strikes I felt when my tumor was growing long ago, but instead it shoots out towards my abductors.
I envision my pain as an iron plate, compacted by the burden of cancer, consuming the space formerly occupied by cancerous bone. This plate does not respect my orthopedic oncology surgeon's handiwork -- muscle stapled and taped to other muscle -- and is waiting to explode downw...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: a day in my life fear and rage Source Type: blogs
RIP ‘I’ve Still Got Both My Nuts’
“The name of my book is I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Story. My goal is that someday John Doe will complain to his buddy about his day. John’s friend will listen and may even sympathize a little. Then he’ll say, 'Yeah, but you’ve still got both your nuts, right?'" – my first blog entry titled Cancer People, Feb. 27, 2007
PingPongGirl and I sat in one of UVA’s libraries brainstorming titles for my book. I kept my writing a secret from most people, but she was one of my brightest friends and studied literature, so I had asked if she would edit it. I couldn’t pay her, but we did make a deal which I...
Source: I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Blog - July 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: writing/speaking Source Type: blogs
