Insiders and Outsiders

Stepmother: When your kids are here, I might as well be a piece of furniture. Dad: But they’re my kids, what do you expect? Stepmother: I expect you to treat me like I’m your wife! Dad: How many times have I told you, don’t make me choose! In a stepfamily, even though the new couple may be very much in love, the hard-wired, pre-existing attachments lie between parents and their children. So do the established agreements about everything from whether Grape Nuts is a breakfast food, or a form of cardboard, to the “appropriate” price for a new pair of sneakers. This means that every time a child enters the room, or the conversation, the stepparent and the parent have very different experiences. The stepparent is a stuck outsider. Stuck outsiders feel left out and invisible. The parent is a stuck insider. Stuck insiders feel torn between the people they love. It helps to know that this insider/outsider thing is not because you and your partner don’t love each other, although it may certainly feel this way. Nor is it because the kids are brats. It comes with the territory. It is a normal, if painful, result of living in a stepfamily. If you both bring kids, you may switch insider and outsider positions, depending on which child is present. Even when both adults bring kids, the stepparent of a child who is struggling more than most, will be more of an outsider. The parent of that child will be more of the stuck insider. Meeting insider/outsider challenges Here are some ...
Source: Conversations with Dr Greene - Category: Pediatricians Authors: Tags: Perspectives Parenting Source Type: blogs