Inside the Mindset of an Eating Disorder

Trigger warning Panic. My mind begins to race as I stand in the doorway of the kitchen. I don't want to be in this familiar spot. This paradoxical heaven and hell, just on the brink of relief and pain. My bare feet touch the floor as my eyes wander. Refrigerator. Enemy. Snack pantry. Enemy. Mind. Enemy. I turn to leave when I hear the familiar turn of the key in the door. My accountability has arrived home. Skipping this snack won't be as easy, not with the "police" around. I can refuse, no one will force me. But that's one step closer to a fate I'd like to avoid; a fate of hospitals and force feeding, of answering questions that seem hurtful in their lack of creativity. Why do you do this; can't you see what you're doing to yourself? I do this not because it feels like a luxury or choice, but because it feels like I have no alternative. Somehow, my pain, anxiety, sadness -- they all feel as if they'll dissipate if I continue to restrict, to wither, to blossom. Whatever it is I'm doing to myself. But I know why I need to eat. If I'd ever like to achieve all those future goals, I'll need to do as I'm told. It may not be for me right now but shouldn't it be enough that I feel any semblance of willingness? "What are you up to?" I don't bother turning around. Simply hold my stance poised in front of the fridge, awaiting its attack. Awaiting the attack my mind is launching on myself. "Getting snack ready," I say. I'm met with a throated agreement, an attempt to hold ground ...
Source: Healthy Living - The Huffington Post - Category: Consumer Health News Source Type: news